NYPD Considering Hiring Bear Hunters to Eliminate Thriving Population of TikTok Interviewers in Washington Square Park
NYPD: Elderly couples shouldn't be asked for 'fit checks'; city weighs upstate bear hunters or Curtis Sliwa's proposal to hang them from the Arch
WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK — On a recent Tuesday afternoon the Washington Square Park center fountain was inundated by a collection of eccentric corduroy-wearing 25-year-olds trying to make viral content. Carrying a microphone, and were followed by a dark clad cameraman donning a Fujifilm X-T30, with the film filers on.
One ran up to a 75-year-old woman observing birds and demanded that she finish the lyrics to various popular songs, such as “Golden” by the KPop Demon Hunters.
Another wild content creater in a Northface puffer jacket asked a group of Chinese tourists “who their first love was” before responding to their lack of English with “these folks got nooo Aura.”
Another one asked a deaf 15 year old what his opinion was on “owning a home” before seconds later attempting to get him to buy his cryptocurrency “NOICEHOMECOIN.”
Longtime Washington Square Park resident Joe Daboll croaked, “back in 21’ It was good that they used to only be local residents and occasional viral event.”
He cites the Timothée Chalamet look-alike contest as the real beginning of the end. “The second I saw 5 fake Willy Wonkas walking into this park, I turned to Big Billy and told him we were screwed.” He then walked around a chalk circle on the ground, saying “hug spot”, where various NYU students hugged, simultaneously taking selfies for Instagram.
Yet the city of New York somehow has a plan, NYPD Public Life Sergeant Billabew commented that “these nuisances are a nuisance to New York life. He continued, “if you’re just walking with your married wife of 50 years, you don’t want to be asked for your fit check by a fake Hippie.”
The city’s current plan is to hire bear hunters from the Adirondack Mountains and arm them with electric zappers that will shoot the Fujifilm camera out of the TikTokers’ hands.
Alternative ideas, such as one proposed by former Mayoral Candidate Curtis Sliwa, are just to execute the TikTokers by hanging them and their Labubu on the Arch.