Rabbi Declares Jews 'Done For,' Lifts Pork Ban Over Mamdani Victory

Israel Weighs Cluster Bombing Halal Stands in Order to "Rid City of Bacon"

A new religious sect of only pork eating Orthodox Jews has emerged from the Chaos

UPPER WEST SIDE - The chief Rabbi of the Upper West Side Synagogue lifted the centuries long prohibition on shellfish and pork. “Given Zohran Mamdani’s victory, I have concluded that we are done for and thus I want to try the pig.” commented Rabbi Schmuley Yates.

Eating a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich from a deli, the rabbi added “there's nothing that even God can do now we are completely screwed.”

Across New York City Jews threw away their lox bagels for Baby Back Ribs and Cocktail Shrimp.

In response the Israeli government, commented that it may have to cluster bomb every halal stand in New York City in order too rid the city of bacon as it could be too tempting.

“We know the Halal Stands are the number one supporters of pork in NYC” IDF General Beesaar commented. “We have to cut the head off the snake providing this evil meat to Jews.”